Like Chestnuts?
by TwinEnigma
Summary: Oneshot crossover. A meal at Sakura's house can be hazardous to your health, as Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke soon learn. Crackfic.


...Like Chestnuts?

By TwinEnigma

* * *

Warning: This is pure crack crossover.

Standard disclaimer applies: I don't own series or characters, but I enjoy torturing them through fanworks.

* * *

Kakashi, the seemingly-irresponsible laid-back instructor of Team 7, had a most unusually amused expression on his face. This typically meant one of several things to his three hapless students: either that he was about to have massive amusement at the expense of their safety and dignity, they had a particularly inane mission, or he was just screwing around to see if they'd been paying attention or not. After all, he wouldn't even be present if a new Icha Icha Paradise volume had hit the stands, so that flat out negated the possibility of post-new-smut bliss as the reason for their instructor's now-downright disturbingly gleeful expression.

"Well, consider yourselves lucky, children," Kakashi began, clasping his hands together. "Sakura's parents have graciously offered to make dinner for us today and, as this is a valuable opportunity to not only learn more about your fellow teammate but also to gain a free meal, I have accepted on behalf of the team. As soon as we are finished with today's survival exercises, we will be heading over to her house for a delicious home-cooked meal."

Naruto looked positively thrilled at the prospect of free food _and_ seeing Sakura's house in the same go. He put on his widest grin and pumped his fist in the air triumphantly, hardly able to contain his excitement. This was quite normal, as he was the most hyperactive ninja to ever graduate and had an appetite that rivaled that of the entire Akimichi clan, as well as a monstrous crush on the pink-haired know-it-all.

Sasuke's face was currently set somewhere between horror and utter loathing. "Sensei..." he started, clearly hoping to finagle his way out of getting dragged to an event that he considered wholly unnecessary and an extreme inconvenience.

"Consider this a _valuable_ training exercise in the art of diplomacy," Kakashi interrupted, his tone sharp, and laden with the imminent threat of pain and suffering if the obsessive boy decided to press forward.

Unexpected, however, was the look of complete and utter horror that graced the face of the third genin – apparently, her parents seemed to have _neglected_ to inform her of their plans.

Kakashi pulled out the latest volume of Icha Icha Paradise and regarded the girl with a bored look. There was no doubt in his mind that little Haruno was flipping out over something trivial, such as how could her parents do this without giving her ample time to prepare or calculating the exact time it would take her to change into something more feminine so she could show off for her crush. Girls that age were so terribly predictable in that respect, he mused.

If Kakashi had known the actual reason that Sakura Haruno was currently freaking out, he might have marched straight to the Hokage and requested an S-rank mission, preferably one with a zero percent chance of survival. As it was, he did not know and was content to redirect his pupils' attention to their training exercises with the appropriate level of bladed projectiles to ensure that they would get their butts in gear and actually work on their evasion.

The shrieks of pain and surprise from his students were definite indications that they clearly had a long way to go on the road to being good ninja. Kakashi sighed and flipped to the next page: after all, they had managed to survive their mission to Wave intact, so a little thing like a barrage of kunai, senbon and shuriken should be cakewalk for them. Resolved, he sent a kage bunshin to deliver a second barrage of weaponry and returned his attentions to his beloved smut novel.

Life was good.

* * *

Hours and hours later, the exhausted and hungry members of Team 7 had finally finished training to their instructor's satisfaction and began the weary trek towards the source of their free nourishment. Sakura lead the way, her face set in a grimace and her entire frame clearly broadcasting her agitation.

Finally, it seemed she could take no more and stopped, rounding on her teammates. "All right, there's something you should know," she started, forcefully. "My parents... they aren't from around here – not originally, anyway – and they might seem a little _weird_ to you. So don't get freaked out or anything if they say or do something odd, okay?"

Sasuke, convinced she was exaggerating, merely grunted, while Naruto nodded with his normal there-is-a-pending-meal enthusiasm. Kakashi raised an eyebrow as he agreed verbally to the girl's request, noting that he hadn't realized her parents were foreigners and chiding himself for not reading the files on his students more closely.

"Also," Sakura continued, shooting Naruto a particularly pointed glare, "On the off chance that your stupidity is related to you not actually having a brain, don't let yourself get hit in the head. The last thing we need is to have this turn into a giant robot anime!"

Naruto made a face and sulked, "I'm not a brainless idiot, 'ttebayo."

Sakura turned around and resumed walking again, calling over her shoulder, "And if Mom made curry, _do not_ under any circumstances eat the mild curry!"

"...why not?" Sasuke asked, looking absolutely bored.

Sakura, practically radiating killer intent, gave him a look that could curdle milk. "Just _trust me_. If you value your life, you won't eat it."

The avenger snorted, rolling his eyes, and silence once again settled upon the teammates.

Finally, Sakura came to a stop outside a somewhat well-tended house. A yellow motorized scooter was parked near the door, half-concealed by a shrubbery – the machine was very unusual and the three males were immediately drawn to the strange-looking machine, curious as to its nature. However, their investigation was cut short before it began as the front door opened with a bang, revealing a pink-haired woman in a filly maid's outfit.

Sakura shrieked, her face turning red with embarrassment. "Mom!"

"Oh, there you are," the woman said, as though completely oblivious to her daughter's discomfort. "Your father and I were getting bored waiting."

Kakashi's eyebrow shot up. "If this is a bad time, we could come back later, Haruno-san..."

"Oh, that's not necessary: I was just feeling nostalgic, but maybe I should have gone with something from _Castle of Cagliostro_ instead," Haruno-san said, smiling vaguely as she pressed a hand against the fabric of the apron. "My name is Ruharu, by the way, and you must be Yamada-sensei and the nintama."

Sakura brought a hand to her forehead and groaned. "Mom, I thought we went over this before – you can't keep referring to my teammates as Nintama Rantaro characters."

Again, Sakura's mother adopted a completely clueless expression. "Eh... What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," the girl sighed, once again bringing her palm to her forehead.

"You'll never get anything out of your head like that," Ruharu noted, "You know where to find the bats."

Sakura continued mashing her palm against her forehead, muttering under her breath about crazed parental units, and marched inside.

"I think you'll like what's for dinner," Ruharu said, smiling brightly at them as if there hadn't been anything odd in the least about her conversation with her daughter. "I made curry!"

Sasuke wasn't the only one who was now absolutely certain that this meal had been a _very_ bad idea.

* * *

Dinner was an extremely awkward affair. The curry was so painfully hot that Kakashi was certain he could have performed several fire release techniques just by trying to breathe. Naruto had managed to collapse in a heap on the table and was currently begging for water. Sakura, wisely, had managed to somehow avoid eating any of the curry as she picked at her rice. Sasuke decided to try his luck with the mild curry, which seemed to have been the safer choice.

Sakura's father, a rather thin man with dark hair and a bored expression who had been introduced as Naota, carefully poked his meal with his fork and, finally, piped up, "So, you are my daughter's teammates? I wouldn't have guessed, given that stink that went up about who was going to go on what team."

"Oh?" Kakashi managed, wincing against the spicy aftertaste that was currently threatening to make his mouth burst in flame. "I don't know. Hokage-sama has a lot of experience with this."

Ruharu, still in her maid costume, leaned forward and whispered, "So, tell us: is it true about the brat?"

"I don't know what you've heard," Kakashi replied and resisted the urge to rub his eyes.

Naruto, eyes watering, moaned pathetically. "Water, _please_... I'm _dying_."

"I bet he has a lot of N.O." Ruharu commented with a mischievous grin. "And I haven't been allowed to check in so very long..."

Sakura's father sighed, gave his wife a stern look and said, "No, absolutely not."

At that moment, Sasuke turned very green, clutched his stomach and scrambled to his feet.

"Bathroom's that way," Ruharu said, pointing to the door to the hall.

The Uchiha avenger was already off and running.

"I _warned_ him," Sakura muttered and continued picking at her rice.

Her mother, meanwhile, had recovered from her momentary pout and skipped out of the room, saying something about milk.

"I know Sakura's probably already told you this," Naota started, "But we're not from around here originally."

Kakashi nodded, coughed, and made an indication that he could seriously use some hydration.

"And Ruharu-chan, well, I don't even know where she's from originally," the other man continued.

There was the sound of a motor starting up and then Ruharu burst in from the hallway in a nurse's uniform, wielding an electric guitar like a mace. Kakashi quickly grabbed the insensate form of Naruto and quickly got away, leaving a log where they had been sitting previously just as the guitar crashed through the table.

"Ruharu-chan! What the hell? Do you WANT the Galaxy Space Police to catch up with us?" Naota shouted, pulling another guitar from seemingly nowhere.

Sakura's mother smiled sweetly at him. "Takkun... I'm going to _kill_ you."

There was an epic clash as the two guitars collided and the world exploded with light.

* * *

Standing in the rubble of her house, Sakura looked at her stunned, but still quite alive teammates and sighed. "Mom and dad left on the Vespa," she said absently. "That guy with _those_ eyebrows came by and gave them a bit of a spook."

She paused, looking up to the sky. "It's not so bad. Besides, now I don't have to worry about mom clobbering any of you over the head to see if you've got usable N.O. and accidentally summoning something. In fact, I'm surprised they only managed to unleash one tailed beast in the twelve or so years they've been here."

Naruto winced, his hand automatically going to the concealed seal on his stomach.

"Come on," Kakashi said, all the while wondering how he was going to explain this one to the Hokage, "Sasuke looks like he's going to be sick again. Let's get him to the hospital."

* * *

**AN:** What? You thought crossing FLCL and Naruto would be anything BUT crack? Ha! Anyway, ya... Haruhana Haruko (aka Haruka Ruharu) and Naota in Konoha - they're lucky there's still a city. Sakura as a the half-human half-alien brat spawn of Haruko and Naota, which certainly explains pink hair, the violent tendancies and skewed definition of normal. Haruka mentions one of the Lupin the Third movies as well as a very old anime called Nintama Rantaro, which is also about a boy at a ninja school. Unfortunately, the teacher she names is quite ugly and usually ends up in drag - a very poor comparison to use with Kakashi. Anyway, any questions or comments will be answered - those who comment anonymously will have to check the reviewer responses on my homepage (linked in my profile). 


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